My heart has been very heavy lately. I have not written because words completely fail me right now. So much of our lives is written out in story like fashion. We may not know what is around the next bend but we wait with anticipation or hope. If things are not going so well, we hold our breath truly believing around the next corner is goodness and peace. On the flip side, if things are going well, we relish in the moments and pray they never end. For the past few weeks I have not cared what is around the bend. I am not even sure I can handle it. I question if I am strong enough to pick up one more cross. And then I spiral into thoughts of how selfish I am....how dare I feel this way! I should endure all life throws at me with open arms and a willing spirit. So I just shut my eyes tight, trying desperately to keep the world out.
Whether I want life to change or not, it does. I have no power to stop what is happening around me. Even if I firmly plant my heels life is still moving on. It is very hard to admit when you feel beat. My body will not keep up with the demands of a mama and wife. I do have moments when the pain is slight, but for the most part I simply want to curl up and submit to it. It is so hard to put on the brave face and try to explain how I feel. I hear myself and imagine eyes rolling and people saying, "Here we go again. More complaints." I try not to say how I feel, and just push on. But 24/7 pain wears you down fast. And most times I can't even adequately explain how it feels.
The good news....Brooke and Aidan's neurosurgeon reviewed my files and wants me to come and see him. I have to figure out how to plan another trip to New York. To wrap my mind around what this even means and if I can make the drive both physically and financially. Thoughts of will he be able to help me, or is this another dead end road. I try to keep my eyes just far enough ahead of me to keep me moving forward. I know there is Hope in God. I feel His comforting hand, and see the Glory in His works. My hubby, kids, and friends bring courage. Most days the only thing pulling me through are the prayers of others. It does give me strength and helps me remember I am not alone on this road.