Ladybug Secrets

Ladybug Secrets:
Don't let the small stuff bug you. And Spot new opportunities.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Some Clarity

I need to write this post to convince myself.  To tell myself "Stop!!!!"  "Slow Down!!!"  "Rest!!!".  I never ever give myself permission to relax.  I feel this constant drive inside my mind to keep going.  Since the post I wrote a few weeks ago, you could not possibly imagine what I have "accomplished".  And yet I lay here in agonizing pain.  I am so angry at myself and frustrated with my lack of commitment to myself.  I am also disgusted of hearing my own cries of sorrow.  Most of you may be reading this and wondering where I am going with this and why I am rambling.  let me explain...

I was diagnosed with something I have had since the beginning of my life.  I have always struggled with various health issues and concerns, but always told it was nothing.  I was fine.  I began to believe this, so even when I hurt I pushed through.  When my hips would pop out of socket and cause searing pain, I would tell myself, "You are fine, just smile."  So I did.  When my head felt like it might actually fall off my shoulders, I would sometimes rest, but continue on.  Now I am not saying this to hear a "good for you."  I am saying this because for 35 years I have been telling myself that I am fine.  Now I know I am not fine, and I really do not know what to do with that.  Even though I have known for a while that this body was getting the best of me, I kept pushing through it.  I had to...I was fine.  

This reality has let me exchange my 35 year old body for an 85 year old body (with a great complexion)!  I can now give myself permission to slow down.  But when I slow down my brain interferes with this process.  I am hearing all the things I should have ready and done.  I mean every person who can hardly move should organize all their holiday decorations.  And I should make gardening and organizing the kids memory boxes top priority.  It is like a mini war going on in my head!  "Yes make all your families food from scratch, and make sure you rest while doing it!"  I feel like I will be judged if a frozen pizza box is in my trash, or my kids watch movies while falling asleep.  The idea of the perfect little family has gone out the window.  I can no longer smile through the pain, even though I am desperately trying to.  

One thing I am quickly learning is when trying to correct one thing another issue pops up.  The braces help, but wearing them makes my leg muscles cramp up.  They are so used to overcompensating for my bad back, they now do not know what to do.  The heart meds are helping my palpitations and feelings of faintness (which means I probably have POTS), but the meds make me very restless at night and I can't sleep.  Last Friday I was so exhausted and scared I headed to a friend's house for a good cry.  We talked, and shared, and believe me I tried to cry.  No tears, not one.  Why cry?  I just want to let go for even a moment.  To let this all sink in.  And for some reason I just keep saying, "I'm fine, we are managing."  I AM NOT FINE!!!  See I can write it! :)  

You may be saying by now, "Good Grief Melinda, there are people suffering all over the world with many worse issues!  Get over yourself!"  And I would totally agree.  I have horrible guilt for feeling bad.  I want to just say no worries, I can manage.  I am angry at myself for feeling like a burden, or a nuisance.  I do not want to be asking "why me?"  And to be honest I do not.  But I do ask..."How can I?"  How can I give one more bath?  How can I cook one more meal?  How can I drive one more place?  When every step takes effort, and every movement causes pain, I have to face the fact that my life needs to change.  Please know my heart...I do not write this for sympathy or reprimand!  I write to state my feelings for myself, and others.  I write to maybe show others that we alone can't do it!  We need a community, we need a great God!  I am so thankful for both, and I need to stop trying to be my own community, and fall into the arms of my God.  

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