Ladybug Secrets

Ladybug Secrets:
Don't let the small stuff bug you. And Spot new opportunities.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

No More Darkness, Resting in the Light

I have said many times before that I feel as if I live in the middle of Chaos.  I do not want to, I do not try to, for some reason though chaos finds me.  To be bluntly honest...I am sick of it.  I try very hard not to be the person who says "Why Me?"  But honestly, some days, I am.  It makes me sad because I know there is much suffering in this world, and mine is a very small piece of that.  But the reality is I am human, and I hit bottom.  I cry out for relief.  Is this really so wrong?  Is it wrong to wonder how much more a family can take before they snap?  I am going to explain a few things in this blog post that may cause some to judge me.   Not that I have any desire to be judge, but I feel it is important to be open.  I guess I feel that someone might read this and realize they are not alone.

I have talked about our financial struggles and our home before.  It is no secret we have had a hard time holding on to this house.  Between job loss last summer, then moving, then job loss again, then moving back, and add into that numerous medical visits and surgeries, we have exhausted all resources.  We have had so many help to keep us under this roof.  I spent 4 1/2 months filling out paperwork back and forth between us and the bank in the spring.  I have talked to one person after another, and then we found out that all was fine.  We qualified for a program to retain our home!  Blessings!!  We have been resting in that for a few months now.  It has allowed me to focus in on my medical issues.  Last week I received a letter stating we did not qualify for the retention program.  I figured no big deal...must be a mistake.  I called only to find out there was no mistake.  The program we were told we qualified for was now unavailable to us.  It seems to be due to an error on their part, but that is really beside the point.  The plain truth is we need a new solution.  We can possibly re-apply.  We can possibly seek funds from state funds that were set aside for this.  No matter what it is more paperwork, more hoops, and honestly I am wiped out!  Even if we do figure this all out, we still have a wall caving in in our basement, and a huge amount of stairs to come into the house.  The stairs are very difficult for me now.

We have not made any decisions.  We are waiting until after surgery to decide what to do next.  Tim and I both agree we must stick together and support each other and the kids through this.  After hearing this news I was devastated.  How could I be asked to leave my home again?  Where had we gone so wrong?  How can you handle money better when there is no money to handle?  I need to be working.  I need to contribute to our finances.  I have always worked at least part time.  I quit my job when we moved because that job by far compensated for my job.  But sadly it only lasted 4 months.  Since we have been home I have been too sick to work.  I feel terrible guilt over this.

I look at this mountain in front of me and think, "Do I even have the strength left to climb it?"  In my head I hear things like, "You committed to purchasing this home.", "You can't walk away.", "you have to fight."  And I want to, just not sure how.  I think about the urologist, neurologist, and cardiologist Brooke needs to see.  Plus she is still complaining of eyes hurting and that is another doc.  Aidan needs an MRI and CT that can only be performed in Cincy.  Chan has an MRI scheduled.  We have school, church, awana, and 4-H.  Ranger has an ear infection again.  Tim got sick the other night because we slacked on eating healthy because I was sick over the weekend.  So I have to up my game on the meals he can eat.  Thank God for a friend who is helping keep up with house.  I need to make sure all is well with Amy and see her before surgery.  I feel bad...I do not see her enough.  I need to get the kids to see Tim's Grandpa before the surgery.  Plus just normal stuff around the house.  Poor Tim tries to help but works long hours.  I listen to myself make list after list.  I think why, how?  But then....

On Sunday I was reminded that God is the light that consumes the darkness.  Why am I sitting in the darkness?  There is no purpose in the darkness.  I can never find peace, acceptance or understanding in the darkness. I can not truly be happy in darkness.  And I will continue to ask why if I remain in the darkness.  I do not know how things will turn out, or if we will stay here or move on.  But where ever my family is, I want to rest in the Light.  I want to find my strength and comfort there.  My family needs to be in the Light together.  Today I was listening to this song in the van.  It is one of my favs by Shonlock.  Never odd or even, His Miracles are countless!  And my family is truly blessed right where we are!

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