The past week has had some big bumps. Every time I think we may have turned a corner, another wall pops up. Thankfully we have learned to scale walls fairly well. We have been so blessed! Our friends, family, and perfect strangers have carried our fam through some pretty awful times. We are grateful beyond words. I used to write thank you notes and get them in the mail as soon as I could. I wanted desperately to show my gratitude. Sadly I have pulled away from this. Not from lack of wanting to, but the pain of writing makes it very hard now. I have given into sending emails and FB thank you's. It makes me sad as I want to show how truly thankful we are.
I know many of you have prayed for us over the years. I know each prayer has put into motion many of the miracles we have witnessed. But you know how miracles pop up at just the right times....well I often wonder what happens when the miracles start to run out? We are clinging to Hope that ours have not yet hit the bottom of the well. We are praying we have a few more miracles left. The truth is...I know our miracles are something we do not even deserve, a special gift. Maybe this is why I treasure even the smallest ones so much. And yet my human heart fears what happens when our miracles run out. What will my family do?
If you have ever gone through a medical crisis, you know what it does to your finances. Imagine having a daughter with a chronic illness who sees 4 specialist. Also a son with 2 chronic illnesses who sees 4 specialist. And then yourself who has 2 chronic illnesses plus several other life altering illnesses, and you see 6 specialists. I can honestly say we have hit bottom. Between prescription costs, medical fees, co-pays, and travel to see docs, our finances no longer sustain us. You know I HATE to talk finances. In fact, when I hear the word finance or money, I cringe. I call bill collectors (which are all necessary bills because we have zero debt other than medical and one car payment) and plead with them to be understanding. Most of the time I cry, sometimes I yell. Not because I am angry, because I am at my end. We exceed the amount to have assistance, but do not have enough to pay our electric.
We were able to save our house last year with a miracle. But now we are not sure if staying is even the right thing. We have a wall collapsing in our basement, a ceiling caving in, a well that needs pampered, and a septic on its last leg. My wonderful hubby leaves at the wee hours of the morning to go to work to get as much overtime as he can. We try to be frugal in all we do. I buy my kids lunch off the dollar menu once in awhile and I have terrible guilt.
Why I am writing this? Why am I airing all our "dirty" laundry? Because sometimes the prayers I need are for sanity when calling the electric and gas company. Sometimes I need a friend who says it is ok to treat my kids to 50 cent cones. Sometimes I need someone to call and cry with because I do not know how we will make it to the next pay day. And sometimes I need to be reminded how blessed I am, and need to be thankful for what I have.
My heart is sad tonight. I had to cancel my doc appointment with Dr Henderson in Virginia. Sadly I could not pay the money that is required to see him, or even pay for the expense to travel there. I am disappointed because I had hoped he might have some answers to help me. I am angry because the cane I do not want to use, glares back at me everyday, taunting me as my right leg drags more and more. Frustrated because I am on a year waiting list for another doc who might be able to help. Confused because one day I feel a little better and then I pay for the good day for 3 days. Irritated at myself for complaining, for needing help, for asking for help. Annoyed that this life is filled with so much suffering, and that I am even daring to complain about my little plight. But grateful...always grateful that this is not my HOME. I have a future somewhere else, and so many have lovingly carried me on this rough road!