Luminous, Glowing Pearls

I started rereading a book my dear friend Monica gave me, Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist. I read it right after Brooke's first surgery, and felt wrapped up in a warm hug from a friend.  The words in the book envelope you and you get caught up in the beautiful phrases.  Last night I could not sleep.  My heart was so very heavy.  I picked up this book praying for my eyes to become drowsy.  One of the first things she says in the book is that many of us are waiting for that big moment that defines our life.  You know the moment where all take notice, and you go on living happily ever after.  Her conclusion is that most of us do not have just one moment, but a series of them.  Basically...Life.  For many that may seem mundane.  But for many it plays out as drama, and chaos.  We lean down to pick up the shoe that dropped, when the second one comes crashing down.  Sometimes I ask God why  my life can not just be mundane, boring.  Sometimes I catch myself thinking....this is not what I signed up for.  I dreamed as a child of a home in Maine.  In a quaint little town near the water.  I dreamed of writing, and cooking elaborate meals for all my children and husband.  I dreamed of reading classics by the fireplace and putting together puzzles with the kiddos.  I dreamed of long walks with my husband, and healthy babies.  I dreamed of a home we could afford and call our own.  I thought about this often, even wrote this down in a book as a young girl.  Like writing it down would make it come true.  Sometimes I hear myself ask...why?

My same dear friend sent me this verse last night, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Then she wrote, "He is the same God!"  Yes He is!  He has never changed.  He wishes me no harm, He loves me!  His plans to prosper me, and my plans to prosper are not the same.  He is not concerned about the whether I made every bed in the house in the morning, if my drawers are neatly organized, if the pictures are all properly labeled in the albums, if I only provide high quality healthy food.  I am sure He finds my ocd with organization and health slightly crazed.  And I find the uncertainty in life scary and a bit unnerving.  But I trust His plan, I trust His decisions.  And this is the hope I must hold onto.  Even when the future is so uncertain and often downright scary.  

When we moved here we thought it would be a new beginning, a fresh start.  We thought this would be our time to rest, and regroup.  We were wrong.  I think we longed for this so very much, it was all we could see.  And in our severe disappointment we have all stumbled.  Even dear Chandler.  None of us has been free from feeling true disappointment, anger, sadness, betrayal, grief in the past 4 months.  We put our faith in man, and this is never good!  Right now we are scrambling to figure out the next step for our fam.  Tim and I desperately pray for a new beginning in 2012.  We know some basics...we need to figure out employment, we need to figure out health insurance, and we must act as a team.  The days, months to come will be scary.  We have done this before, but it was different.  I feel like I have climbed to far out on the branch and it is ready to snap.  (Hope and a future)

Brooke has to have a new MRI and she needs a 48 hour sleep study.  She has had many more headaches, and I am concerned about possible seizures.  She plays so beautifully at home, but even a short outing wears her out completely.  She has started having trouble with dizzy spells again, and now we have noticed her feet turning blue several times.  We know we need health insurance so she can have these tests done.  We are looking at transferring to a new neurosurgeon who is closer.  This breaks my heart because we love Dr. B.  But we have heard wonderful things about Cincinnati Children's and this would be so much closer.  I will be calling them on Tuesday to see how they can help.  (Not to harm you)

When we moved here, we splintered as a family.  Tim was working long hours, and I was trying to adjust to being away from everything familiar.  As we have had these past three weeks as just a family, blessings have followed.  The future is so very uncertain.  We are not even sure if we can afford to stay in the house we are in.  We are not even sure how to pay for groceries.  AND YET, we have watched multiple family movies (all free :) ), played family games, ate as a family, camped out in the living room, talked for hours, made cookies, and just lived.  For us, it has been the moments we needed.  As Miss Niequist describes in the book, "Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearls. And strung together, built upon one another, lined up through the days and the years, they make a life, a person.  It takes so much time, and so much work..."  Right now we will focus on these moments for 2012, and just Hope.