Doubt Surrounded by Hope

Is it possible to have the desperation of doubt, and yet still cling to hope? Many would say no.  Most would argue that hope is pushing aside the doubt.  Trusting in a higher power.  As a Christian I have been taught that to doubt is to turn from God.  No matter what the situation, we should always trust and have hope.  I would agree hope is a beautiful feeling to cling to.  But I would also say as humans doubt creeps in way more than we may want.  It can shadow everyday decisions, we may never even realize doubt has taken over.  For awhile, we can live in the shadow of this doubt thinking we are just living.  Sooner or later I have found the doubt takes over, and eventually brings you back to the place you started searching for hope.  Today I was brought back around....

My head has literally been spinning with all the decisions and things happening right now.  We live in such a fast paced world, and most days I find it very hard to keep up.  I have made lists of lists of lists of things that need done.  The lists continue to collect but nothing seems to change.  Most mom's, or even dad's can relate to endless piles of laundry, dishes, meals, baths, weeds, and the list goes on.  Add into the mix kids and their activities.  Pile on several health issues and doc visits.  Then top off this heaping pile with huge financial restrictions.  Life gets heavy pretty fast.  I know so many families are struggling right now.  So many are looking for hope to carry them through one more day.  

Most days I am angry at myself for even having the slightest longing for more.  How dare I want a nicer home or car!  How dare I want to eat better food!  I should rejoice in what I have!  Where I am is far better than much of the world.  Why do I think my children deserve an ice cream more than another child?  Why do my children need one more pair of shoes even if they are $2? Who am I to even complain or cry out because of lost hope?  I hate to ask for help or be in need.  What I have should be enough!  It should sustain us.  And yet days like today...it does not.  And I desperately wish that is did.

I am blessed to have a hubby that works swing shifts to provide for us.  Who drives over an hour to his job.  When I first met my man, we would go on dates shopping.  Yes shopping.  He loved to buy comic books, computer games, collectibles, and rc cars.  Over the past years, he has sold his stash off one by one to bring in extra to pay medical bills.  He works long overtime hours and does not complain.  He is my hero.  

What happened...what made it impossible for a family to survive on one income?  We have no debt except a very small car payment.  Well and of course our monstrous medical debt.  We live frugally.  Yes we splurge sometimes, like $1 slushies during happy hour and a bag of popcorn at Target.  Yet it is hard to pay for my prescriptions, and our utilities are hard to keep on.  I cry and plead with people to just be gracious and allow me to send in smaller payments.  Have we become a country where it is ok for a family to work hard and yet loose electric and gas?  What do you choose groceries or medicine?  How do you tell your kids to help you hunt in your house for school supplies so you can save some money?  I need to be content.  I need to cut back. But how...where? It is not a budget issue.  Not when you are pay check to pay check and the car for the bread winner has to have tires. 

I do not write this because my hope is gone.  Never is it gone. I write for those who may feel lost sometimes.  Most days I am not sure how tomorrow will fare.  Sometimes I just need to collapse, cry, and pray for answers.  Sometimes I still need my mom to say it will be ok.  Sometimes I see the hope in others...and I can continue on this road.  I went in to kiss Brooke.  She is snuggled down in her bed, beautiful, peaceful.  Right next to her face is a picture of her and her 2 chiari buddies.  She clings to hope everyday.  Because of her so do I.  And in that hope I do find peace.