I am pretty sure most moms have a vision in their head of how they want to parent. Things they would say or do in certain situations. Maybe I am the only one who plays scenarios in my head, and how I would react. I am pretty sure I am not. I think as moms (and even dads) we want the very best for our kids. We desire a safe haven for them, understanding for who they are, and deep concern for who they become. This may even be something causing great heart ache if they stray from what we feel is proper or ok. The need to even try and control parts of their lives so they are not exposed to bad influences or just plain old evil. What I have learned is these are all beautiful wonderful ideas, but not always practical. No matter where we live, how we raise our kids, or the ideals we set forth...the world seeps in. I think in these moments we teach our children true character or maybe they teach us.
Once again I am wrestling with the ugly beast of Ehlors Danlos Syndrome. I am not sure why I am having so many symptoms, or even what the outcome will be. I am learning with a chronic illness there is no way to predict when you will feel good. You just have to take those moments and relish in them. I am learning some days I can push myself but many more I just can't. I am learning when I figure how to tolerate one symptom another rears its ugly head. I find myself bargaining with myself and God. "Please just let me do one more thing and then I promise to rest." Even though I know what I am asking is normally silly or petty...like a clean bathroom or swept floor.
One of the things I never wanted to compromise on is my kiddos and hubby! They are my rocks, my laughter, and my joy. I desperately want to be there for them in every way possible. Slowly slowly I am learning for our family this is different than for many. And I am sorry to say my family has understood this way before I have. They are teaching me, leading me. Still I try to rebel. To say "Oh I can do that!" Knowing full well I can't but refusing to say that to them!
Patiently my family continues to teach me...to give me new ideas of who we are and how we function. On Friday I was so ill. My mom came and picked up the kids so I could rest. Aidan had basketball practice that night. Our idea was I would rest in the afternoon, then pick up kids at my parent's church fish fry. We would eat there, and then I could take Aidan to Basketball. It seemed workable, tiring but workable. I went to the fish fry and my dad helped me feed everyone. Of course, Chan was wanting to run all over, and I chased after him to keep him from knocking someone over. By the time we were loaded in the car I was reduced to tears. I sat with tears warming my cheeks praying for strength. Silently, "Please just get me through Aidan's basketball." In the back seat I hear the sweetest voice say, "Mama just go home. You need to rest." My answer! At first I was so angry at myself for listening to him! Why did I not just take him? What kind of a mother just gives up? The truth...I could not take him and he knew this in his great 9 year old wisdom. It broke my heart because just the week before I had to have him miss too. He never complains, only comforts.
Brooke is finding she has the same personality as me...keep pushing until you can't. She wanted cheer. I knew with the program she tried it would be the least amount of jumping. And we even told the coaches she could not jump. They were perfectly fine with this. But sadly even this was too much. She was in a puddle of tears one night, wanting to cheer but knowing she needed to stop. As I held her, I told her she had so many wonderful talents! Cheer was not something she had to do, dance was not something she had to do. It was ok for her to stop, to admit her head hurt, and move forward. She dried her tears and asked if she could keep her uniform. Of course a cute cheer uniform always makes life a little sweeter! One more reminder for me...my kids do not need me to be super mom. Just as I only need them to be themselves this is what they need of me.
I am learning, kicking and screaming I am learning. We can't always control where our life ends up but we sure can control the attitude we take with us. This is what I can share with my kids. This is what they share with me. Even just reading, talking, cuddling, and sharing is shaping them into the future. I am seeing God has us right where He wants us. Our job is to embrace where we are and hold on for what comes next.