News that Breaks a Mama's Heart

My mom just came and picked up the kiddos for a few hours.  I am sitting here in the quiet and thinking how heavy my heart is.  I try very hard not to wallow in self pity and see light at the end of even the darkest tunnel.  Some days this can be hard.  As a child, I dreamed of my life as a mother.  What my home would look like, what kind of a person my husband would be, and my children- their names, their likes, dislikes.  For the most part nothing we dream as child comes true.  They are fantasy in a child's mind.  I mean I wanted eighteen children- nine boys and nine girls.  And I had them all named.  I thought I would live on the coast of Maine and wear long flowing dresses, and my husband would be a lobster fisherman.  We would read the classics by the fire and sip cider.  This probably would make an amazing book, but is very far from were my life is.  And honestly that is ok.  Most days.

Sometimes though I wish I could step into the book and out of the reality.  On those days I write.  For me it is an outlet to understanding where I am.  It is in fact a way for me to see the truth written out in front of me so that I may accept and sometimes find hope.  I need this outlet today.  The past month has been very busy with many doc appointments and tests.  Not so much for Brooke, but for myself and Aidan.  I have struggled all my life with various health issues.  Nothing serious, just annoying.  But last summer, things started getting worse.  I am not sure if it was just the stress of life, or me getting older, regardless I hurt more.  I have a headache ever day, some worse than others.  My joints have become very painful, and I have nausea that comes and goes.  I have several moments where I have almost fainted, thankfully my mom was near me in both situations.  This list could go on, but I would sound crazy.  Thankfully I have found a wonderful doc, thanks to my friend Monica.  She has ordered many tests.  I am still waiting to hear on many,
and have learned a few things already.  Just wanting to fit all the puzzle pieces together.

We took Aidan back to the neurologist because his headaches are just terrible.  The poor boy does not really function as an 8 year old boy should.  I mean he plays and has fun, but spends a good part of his day in quiet activities.  He complains of his head hurting often.  He has had quite a hard time over the past few months with anger and just being upset.  I have asked him about this and his response is always, "my head just hurts!"  So we went to see the neuro.  She really felt they were migraines and cluster headaches.  But she ordered an MRI anyways, just to be sure.  Aidan has had a CT scan in the past, and they told us no Chiari.  But I have learned it is often hard to see Chiari on a CT scan.  We went Monday morning for the MRI.  I brought the disc home with me.  I kept looking at it, and just felt compelled to send it to our Neurosurgeon.  I emailed him yesterday morning, and he emailed me right back and said from the one pic I sent he sees a CM1.  My heart sank.  No this is not an official diagnosis, and we will need to have him seen.  The neurosurgeon requested the whole disc.  The nurse called yesterday and asked me to send it overnight.  They are going to review on Monday and try to get him in next week when we go for Brooke's appointment.

I spent all of yesterday walking around in a fog.  No we do not have definite answers.  Yes it could be much worse.  No we have no idea what line of treatment they will take.  Yes I am blessed to have a wonderful sweet boy.  But for a few moments, hours I felt like I could not do any of this again.  I could not watch another child go through this.  I could not commit another child to a possible life time of pain.  But just as I whisper these words in prayer, I feel God comforting me.  I am reminded to see the glory in His plan.  My children have a purpose.  Even if it is to glorify Him through trials.  I am sure I have wrote this before, a friend told me this years ago, "Our children are not ours.  They belong to God."  I remind myself this often.  I can't stop the bad from happening. I can't make the good last.  But I can give them Hope in the future.  I can show them rejoicing in suffering.

We do not really know what will happen over the next few days, or weeks.  Even though my heart feels crushed, I know there is a purpose.  We will continue to pray for courage to accept our paths wherever they lead.  As my brave, dear friend Monica always says, "Our Hope Remains!"  I am blessed and comforted by that.