So many of you may find this post odd. You may even say wow, she has finally lost it. For those of you who read this and are not Christians, you will think I fell off my rocker. For you all, I have one word....Flu. If you find this post delusional, kooky, or bizarre, you can blame it on the fact that I have been sick in bed all day with the flu. I really do not feel like writing, my head is pounding and my body is so achy. But I feel like I need to share this. It has been on my mind for awhile, and yesterday something confirmed it for me.
I often admit to myself that the road my family is on is hard. The hardest road a fam can be on, no, but still hard. Some days I want to forget and pretend like we are the pretty little family with our lives branching out in front of us. Then I am hit with something that brings us back to reality. These past few years have confirmed that we will live a lifetime on the edge. Not jumping from planes kinda edge, but the edge where you have knots in your tummy most days, and are not sure how you can even afford the next set of bills. Now sometimes this edge can be exciting. We have met amazing people, been blessed beyond words, and grown as humans. But it always brings me back to my little bug....she suffers and we are left clinging to the edge to bring her a better life. People have said things like "well at least she does not have cancer." Umm yes that is a blessing, and we are thankful for the pain free days. So please do not tell me I am wallowing in self pity, because that is not what this is about! We are thankful for what we have every day and we do our best to provide!
One thing we have also realized over the past few years is my health is getting worse. I have always battled some ailment all my life. I thought I found the answer with my endometriosis. But I still suffer from horrible headaches, joint pain, eye blurriness, hearing issues, and dizziness. I have been told it may be rheumatoid arthritis and migraines. But most docs are just not sure. I thought when we found out about Chiari it was this. But a regular MRI showed nothing. Up until now it has been livable. I can push through, I can make it through most of the day without anyone ever knowing. I let the tears fall over the kitchen sink, or in the car. But a few knew how I hurt. My husband, my mom, and a friend who could see through my smiles. They all have been on me to see another doc. But with on and off again insurance, the last thing I needed was a diagnosis with no way of getting help, and then a label of a pre-existing condition. So I have waited. I have not even seen a doc, except an ob for 4 years. Now though we will have good insurance, hopefully a stable job and I can find someone who can help. But this scares me! How will we ever afford for me to see a doc! And of course the one I think I need to see is not local. He is in Cinci. But I cling to the hope this is the right thing to do.
The other day I was driving....thinking about this, thinking about the trip to Iowa for Brooke, thinking about our trip in May to see Dr.B. I was overwhelmed. Should we just take the truck and pay the high gas prices? Do I rent a smaller car? How will Brooke handle the long car rides? How will I handle the long car rides? Then I thought of my Faith. The fact that I know even in my consuming feeling of being overwhelmed....He will provide a way. I realized what a sad person I would be if I did not cling to that every day. I would let regret, anger, self pity, remorse, pain....eat me up. I would not have a branch to cling to, because I would be clinging to my own understanding...which would have snapped by now. It would take me a lifetime to put this into words, but all I can say is my Faith truly sustains me. It is the reason I can function, and I am thankful to Him for growing me! I am not bitter or regretful, I am hopeful and optimistic!
Yesterday though I was letting the doubt set in. Even though I know it will be worked out, I still falter many times per day! I was figuring bills (a place where I falter a lot!) and realized how the trip to Iowa, NY, and Cinci would be very very tight. I felt a bit panicked. But I also felt like God was reassuring me. Telling me to have Faith. I also felt like I was supposed to go out to the mailbox. What??? I leave that job for one of the kids or hubby. I hate picking up a pile of bills and advertisements. Plus I felt so sick, and all the kids where sick, why would I walk all the way to the mailbox? But I figured fresh air would do me good. So I went. Tucked inside the pile of bills was a pretty pink envelope, no return address. I opened it. The card inside was from a friend who I have not seen in 3 years. The note was encouraging and beautiful, just like her! The tears welled up in my eyes. It was just what I needed to hear. Then inside was a generous gift. He knew what we needed, she had the heart to provide it! It was one of those moments you can't even explain! It reaffirms to you that He's got this! And I believe that with all my heart! He can use a friend, hundreds of miles away to encourage, uplift, and bring tears of thankfulness! I will cling to that any day! Call me delusional and I will just say "Nope!"